Journey to Conception: Part 1 “You will need an egg donor.”

‘You will need an egg donor if you want to conceive naturally a fertility doctor told us.

Myself and my husband looked at each other, not knowing how to feel or what to say. I felt a deep sadness fall into my heart.
We had been indifferent about having children and it had never been the focus of our marriage. But we decided to investigate it, as we were approaching 7 years of marriage and thought it wise to get tested.

When the choice of having children is taken away from you, it is different.

I remember trying to encourage myself in the Lord, as i fought back the tears in the doctors office.

As much as i knew that God had the ultimate say, as a pharmacist, i understood the physical facts.

What should we do? I felt as if I was beginning to grieve something that I never would know..was a very strange moment.

By the time I got home, I had decided that I would see what I could physically do with the information we had been given. This was so that I didn’t have to live with not doing my best, with what was in my control. I would then leave what only God could do – to God.

I googled what the doctor had said, but added the word ‘testimonies’ to my search. I figured there was nothing new under the sun and I couldn’t believe the sheer volume of results that came up.
I also purchased the audio book ‘Supernatural Childbirth’ to try and renew my mind.

I made an appointment to see my Pastor at church and I broke down in her office. It was a relief to off load in a safe place I must admit, and she prayed with me.

There was a programme at church at the time, called the River. The worship leader sang a song called Healing Rain..i remember the atmosphere being electric.
When the Pastor called people to the front that needed healing. I felt the urge to go. I didn’t care who was nosey enough to wonder why I was there. I needed a change. Not necessarily for my fertility but for my spirit. I had a lot going on at the time with a new job, a Masters I was studying for, music albums I was recording and also fulfilling my role in my home.

I felt broken and damaged. I was drowning.

Through my tears, I told God. “Lord. I’m broken. You are the only one that can put my broken pieces back together. I have nothing left to give. I am leaving it all here at your feet and I am walking away whole. I also added, that ‘whatever will, You have for my life, give me the strength to be ok with it. You are Sovereign.’

And I believed in my heart what I had said. I really had no other choice but to leave it at the altar.

I knew I had to streamline my schedule and drop anything that was stressing me out. I began to sort out my eating by always having breakfast every single day and drinking 2 litres of water. I began to take supplements every day after consulting with my GP colleagues. Another perk of working as a pharmacist. I decided to get ovulation sticks to know when I was ovulating and try and ensure we were intimate. But I didn’t share my ovulations days with my husband. Too much pressure for him. So he was oblivious to when our important days were.

Three months later. Everything changed.

It was the day I was due to lead worship. It was for evening service. My period was late by 7 days, but I was reluctant to take a pregnancy test.

However, something told me to just do it. The result is the result. It is what it is.

So I did.